Karp-e Robora

PROLOGUE

It was the Capitals last home game of the season. Connor Bedard was wrapping up a phenomenal rookie season, scoring two goals in a win against the Columbus Blue Jackets. The victory, their 42nd of the year, would be their last. They’d end up with 91 points, an improvement of 40 points from 2023-24, but would fall short of the playoffs.
After doing the traditional salute to the fans at centre ice, their sticks high in the air as recognition for the support they received throughout the season, the players skated off the ice, heads held high. This year felt different. They weren’t just going through the motions anymore. They were on the doorstep and ready to kick the door down on the rest of the league and start being relevant again. 

They sat at their stalls in the locker room, chatting and removing their gear, some fielding questions from the local reporters looking for a sound bite to play on the late night news sports segment and doing all of that post-gamey stuff that hockey players do. That’s when Washington head coach Peter Laviolette and general manager Karp came into the room. Of course, they were used to seeing their coach stop by after games, but it wasn’t customary for the GM to.
 

GM Karp hollered at anyone who was in the locker room who wasn’t part of the team to get out immediately. After everyone was ushered out, the door was locked. What was said inside can only be hypothesised as ear witness accounts were only able to tell that what they heard was loud profanity and a lot of it.
It’s safe to assume that it could have been a scene ripped right out of the 1989 comedy “Major League”. If you’re unfamiliar, the premise is centred around the new owner of the Cleveland Indians who deliberately tries to lose in an effort to relocate the franchise. 

Karp was most likely saying something to the effect of “what in the fuck do you guys thing you are doing out there? We’re not here to win hockey games. You’ve put us in a horrible situation with all of this success and now we’re almost assured to not pick 1st overall again. This is bullshit and I will not stand for it. After today, every single one of you better take a long look in the mirror and remember what you’re here for. If you want to win hockey games, you better find yourself another team to play for because that’s not what we do in Washington.” Something like that, with a lot more fuck’s thrown in for emphasis. 

Because you see, while the Capitals were growing accustomed to losing, their GM was getting a high on…..well, drafting high. Across the past three drafts, they’ve selected 5 times in the top 10, including back-to-back years of selecting first overall (Connor Bedard in ‘23 and Macklin Celebrini in ‘24). Things would certainly be different in 2025 as they’d have to make their selection at a lowly 4th overall. The thought of it makes me throw up into my mouth. 

This all leads us to…..

DRAFT DAY

We take you to the draft floor for A brief recap of the live action from the first two rounds of the RHL Entry Draft

9:57am - The RHL commissioner, BRRR, welcomes everyone in attendance and lays down the rules for how this is all going to go down. This isn’t the first rodeo for most of us, but there are a few fresh faces for their first (of hopefully many) drafts. Even some of the veterans tend to forget so it’s always good for a little reminder. 

10:00am - Philadelphia is set to make the first pick of the draft.

10:02am - GM Karp isn’t going to stand for it. Not at all. Only one team can pick first and he sure as hell isn’t going to let the Flyers do it. Details start rolling in. The Caps trade the 4th overall pick, 78th overall, their 2027 1st, Dean Letourneau, Ben Danford and Simon Benoit to the Flyers for the 1st overall pick, 146th (SJ 5th) and Erik Johnson. 

The only thing not shocking about the deal is when Karp selects the consensus choice to go number one, Matthew Schaefer. 

10:09am - We get as far as the 3rd overall pick before we have another trade. The Bruins flip the pick to Florida along with pick #20 to Florida for 6th overall, Trevor Zegras and Buffalo’s third rounder in this year’s draft. Somewhat unsurprisingly, the Panthers use the pick to select Quebec born center Caleb Desnoyers. 

10:18am - Little known fact about the RHL Entry Draft. The GMs all wear hooded cloaks so no one actually knows what anyone looks like. It’s like some weird cult shit. In a move akin to the Phantom of the Opera removing his mask, Vancouver GM Youremahboiblu shocks everyone in attendance when he removes his hood and reveals his disfigured face while making his selection (Jake O’Brien)

10:34am - We find out that being a GM is only a part-time job for Led Tasso as he takes a break from his other job to make his first selection of the night. He seems genuinely confused when he announces they’ve chosen defenseman Radim Mrtka, likely due to the fact that he’s not sure how he was still available at 14. 

10:47am - Who is Tate McRae?

11:04am - I’m not sure exactly when it started happening, but at some point over the years it became customary when a team went to make their selection they would act like they were winning an Oscar and thanking a million people and giving shoutouts all willy-nilly, including “gushing” over the recent Stanley Cup champions.
It was around this time of the draft when the camera cut to the Winnipeg Jets draft table and caught GM rbkgoalr looking disgusted and saying something. I’m no lip reader, but I think it might have been something like “I’m getting fucking sick of this”.

11:14am - The first round ends without too much more drama. There are a couple of trades and players are picked blah blah blah. In fact, it pretty much goes this way for the second round as well. There are a few reaches from some teams, but for the most part it goes mostly as the great prophet Bob McKenzie foresaw. 

Of course, if you want a more in depth look at the players selected in the first two rounds then I would recommend checking out the article by cohenj3, where he grades the teams on the picks and moves they made across the first day of the draft (Toronto got a B so I guess I’m ok with that?).

As usual, even if it was on a Tuesday, it was another great draft for the league as a whole. We all eagerly await as our NHL counterparts conclude their part of the bargain so that we, the real GMs, may get back to work and pretend like we’re going to unearth the next Pavel Datsyuk in the seventh round when the reality is that we’ll just be drafting players that will most likely never play a single RHL game for us.

Oh. I should end with saying something French so I don’t feel left out. Um…..I do remember in like Grade 4 French class blurting out pamplemousse for no reason, much to the delight of the entire class. It’s always been a fun word to say. Or I could rely on the old Telefrancais tapes we used to watch and say “Je suis un ananas” because that pineapple was magnifique. Nope, I’ve got nothing. Au revoir pour l’instant mes amis!!!

bananaduck

A plus article but the Telefrançais reference makes it an A plus plus! Bonjour! Allo! Salut!

Karp-e Robora
Per aspera ad astra

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