Yippee-Ki-Yay, Maple Leafer

Toronto names John MacLean new head coach

October 1st, 2021 by Hieronymus MacMillan

"Life's greatest questions have always been: Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going?"
And yet there is one question that has lingered for ages since 1988 that has caused so much debate to the point where it has torn families apart. And that question is simply this: is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

This writer, for one, is firmly in the camp that it IS indeed a Christmas movie? What even is the argument that it isn't? I refuse to listen to whatever those arguments are so the point is moot. Is there a Santa Claus reference? Check. Does it have a Christmas song? Check. There's Christmas trees, egg nog, snow (if you count the cocaine Ellis is snorting off of Holly's desk), and if you take the word of terrorist computer expert Theo it even contains a Christmas miracle!

Now, you're asking yourself, how does Die Hard have anything to do with the Toronto Maple Leafs? Well, being the coach in the Hockey Center of the Universe™ can feel very much like crawling around in a cramped air duct while terrorists try to shoot you. And with that being said, I invite you to take off your shoes and socks, walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes while welcoming Toronto's newest head coach, John MacLean.
"Of course I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't gotten 'like from Die Hard?' asked of me all the time," the new coach said while talking to reporters during his introductory press conference. "I've probably been asked it three times today at least before this presser even started." MacLean did seem to take the Die Hard references in stride, seeming to know full well that sharing a name with one of cinemas all time badasses was going to be the least of his concerns now that he'd be behind the bench of the Maple Leafs. His enthusiasm was endearing, acting less like a person whose job would soon be more akin to walking around on broken glass barefoot and more like a drunk, naked woman running around a corporate Christmas party. 

When asked what he thought new GM Led Tasso saw in him that made him the choice above all other worthy candidates he said, "I heard he has seen Die Hard about 500 times". 
"I know it's going to be easy for all of you to make these Die Hard references on a daily basis and that's fine, but the fact of the matter is I know what I signed up to do here. It's going to be tough. This roster has been set back by previous management and now it's up to Led and I to try and bring the respect back to this organisation that it deserves." He continued, "Led is going to do his damnedest to bring in the proper personnel to help this team to succeed and after that it's on me to take those guys and get them to work together, work within our systems and achieve results. Is that going to happen overnight? We all know the answer to that. We have our work cut out for us here but if we didn't think we were up to the challenge then we wouldn't be here, right?". 
Cliche answers or not, he didn't miss the mark. This is a team mired in futility, with one of the largest fan bases in all of sport.

Mediocrity doesn't sit well with Toronto fans. "We're gonna see some new faces here this year, and we're going to see who really wants to be a part of this team and be a winner. We're not ruling out anyone when it comes to positions in camp. No one has a guaranteed spot. When camp opens we want everyone going as hard as they can and battling to make this team. The names you see on the opening night roster are going to be the ones who deserve to be there."

With the beginning of the season just around the corner, there wasn't much more he could offer other than the obligatory responses you'd expect and want to hear from a new coaching hire. You'd be worried if someone came into a situation such as this and proclaimed that they were going to turn things around in a hurry. It's early days but Tasso looks like a good hire by the the club in regards to identifying talent not only on the ice but in the man to mould that talent into something special. Like a tower. A Nakatomi Tower.

When asked to quote his favourite line of the movie the newly anointed head coach had this to say: "Believe it or not, I've never seen it. But I heard one of the characters likes to eat Twinkies so I can get on board with that".
And on that note, I'll say this to the beginning of next season. Come on, baby. Come to papa. I'll kiss your fucking dalmatian. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow Here we go, here we go, here we go.