Why I hate you, yes YOU! South African Main Streets Edition

Part 1 On Main Street

After firing his head scout, GM VideoJ decided to take matters into his own hands. With all the distance learning going on in the world, he decided he could do his job remotely. If education can be done without in-person contact, surely managing and coaching an RHL franchise can. Thus, he packed up his things and headed on a a scouting trip overseas, starting in the widely untapped market of South Africa. While his trip has been filled with exciting adventures; one of a kind experiences; beautiful scenery and abundant wildlife, there have been several things that have annoyed the usually zen GM. In fact, there have been things that have downright pissed off the usually level-headed and kind hearted GM. So here is list number 1 of his most hated things in South Africa while on Main Street thus far; in his own words of course, not mine.

5. Why the F*** are ATM Lines so long. This occurs at bank machines on main street, and also in malls. I had to withdraw money, and I thought I was in line to ride Space Mountain. No joke, at least 10 people in line every time I walk down the street or through the mall. The real piss off though, isn’t the length of the line, but the amount of time each person takes. Even if there are 10 people in front of you, you’d think an ATM transaction takes a maximum of a minute or two. Insert card, type pin, withdraw money, don’t forget your card, beep beep beep (or is that a taxi honking behind you?) and finished! Nope, these people take like 5 minutes at the ATM. It’s like they have to romance the things to give them money. Or maybe SA bank cards are fitted with security questions before you are permitted to withdraw cash. I thought maybe the machines were just incredibly slow. Wrong again. I got to the machine, and withdrew 8,000 rand. The transaction lasted a total of 46 seconds. You’re welcome old lady behind me.

4. I believe hitchhiking has become a national sport here. I have seen more hitchhikers here than I’ve seen Impala in the national parks (reference to article 2 ;)). Before and after every town on main street, at every interchange onto on ramps and even in the middle of nowhere, there are people standing on the side of the road, looking for a ride. There are even street signs at certain spots that are a thumbs up with a red circle and cross through it like a no smoking sign. The irony is that they don’t even put a thumb up! They put their hand out, diagonally down or wave at you. The first time I saw it, I thought they were pointing out something on the road. The worst part is, when you don’t pick them up, they look pissed off. Like you were supposed to pick them up. Look, even if I wanted to, there’s barely room in this SUV for me, let alone a F****** hitchhiker. Now go jump in that pickup truck bed with the other 6 guys being transported and leave me to my camping gear and food stuffed ride.

3. There are more taxis on the roads in the city than anything else. They are all these short VW hippy looking buses circa 1980. They are all white (which actually roughly 95% of vehicles here are other white or silver, maybe lighter colours due to the heat? Not sure if I’ve seen more than a few black vehicles) and usually have a few swirly coloured stripes on the side. The problem with these Taxis is they use no signals, and stop and go as they please. They also have no regard for lanes. They pull over to pick up people, braking without warning, and pull back into traffic, accelerating at velocities akin to NASCAR. If only honking wasn’t ongoing they’d be able to communicate their intentions. Or if only turning signals had been invented. Oh wait that’s what that lever is...

2. Pedestrians. I don’t know if South Africa has the greatest health care system in the world or if people are just interested in filing lawsuits, but it seems as though the people in the streets do not value their lives. At any given time of daylight there are hundreds of people in the streets on main roads. Turning off of the main road, it’s as if no one lives in the town, but on the main road, it’s as if there has been a mandate that everyone must be in this stretch of 600 metres or else they are sent to prison. Half of the people are just sitting or leaning against buildings clogging up the sidewalks. The other half, the half I hate, are crossing the street constantly. Not at stop lights, or stop signs, or even crosswalks usually, just anywhere. Trying to drive amidst those previously mentioned taxis, regular traffic, and people who believe they are in the video game Frogger, is highly stressful. These pedestrians are so numerous and so close to your car, you feel like you might be on an episode of The Walking Dead, driving through a heard of walkers.

1. There’s a Mitch Hedberg joke about honking. “I think that we should only get 3 honks per month on the car horn. Then someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like “Fuck, I was I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!” Well he must have been to South Africa. Every driver is constantly honking. I am not sure why. I was standing in one of those ATM lines and it sounded like a Shriner’s convention was in town. Maybe their cars don’t have radios and they are making their own song? I thought it may be due to those Frogger pedestrians, or cabs cutting people off, but it is just constant. In any case, it’s as if there is always a parade on main street with pedestrians rushing around to nowhere and taxis in this parade of monotone horns. All that’s missing is the Underdog balloon flying away...