Top 10 Overall Draft Picks

2023-06-07

The GM of The Anaheim Ducks spent his year taking over his team’s scouting duties this passed season. It was a brilliant scheme, as it allowed him to charge his travelling bills, along with incidentals to club owner and longtime best friend, Kevin Connolly. The only issue was the oversight that the Anaheim Ducks will not draft in the first round this year. So, all of that hard work and effort put into searching across the African Savannahs and Australian Outback for the next Olaf Kolzig or Nathan Walker, was pretty much a waste. When this reporter, Mike Toospeeken, met up with General Manager and Head scout VideoJ, he was in no mood to speak about it. He refused to provide any insight on the subject, stating it was none of my business. He reeked of a mixture of Australia Lager and salsa. When I pressed for an additional question, he swung at me with a notebook, which had a page fall out of it. Luckily enough, I was able to grab the torn sheet and ran like hell before he came at me again. There’s no telling what a man that size, with that little regard for proper decorum would be capable of doing.

As I made my way to my hotel room in the lower-eastern-south-Detroit (The upper-lower-middle class suburbs of Windsor, On.), I noticed the page contained GM VideoJ’s insights on the first round of drafting. The page was entitled “ TOP SECRET: How I would draft the first round based on name alone AKA PLAN A”. While I normally do not like to leak information that could sway the other GM Managers. The altercation with the unpleasant, vile, yet charming VideoJ leaves me feeling little remorse for my following actions. So to the public and the Gms of the RHL, here is some of the best insight you are going to receive all year on this upcoming draft! Unfortunately I only managed to grab the first page, but use it as you will! -Mike TooSpeeken

#1 Anthon Wahlberg Centre SHL Left 6'3 185lbs

Would Mark Wahlberg had been a first overall pick at anything in his life? Yes, being sexy, but he was underestimated at everything else. Guess what, now he’s one of the most recognizable celebrities of all time. The last name says it all. If we get the first overall pick, and Anthon is STILL available, we go off board and take him, no question!

#2 Adam Fantilli Centre NCAA Left 6'2 187lbs

I actually agree with scouting reports that Adam should be at #2 overall. But not because of anything they’re saying about him. It’s because of what they aren’t saying! Fantilli rhymes with Chantilly. Which is French for whipped cream. He can cream the competition. Cream of the crop. The Fans will get silly and chicks cream for Fantilli! Also, Chantilly is fancy so I expect Fantilli would have some cool moves...

#3 Will Smith Centre USHL Right 6'0 174lbs

His name is Will Smith. His name is Will Smith. His F***** name is Will Smith!

#4 Colby Barlow Left Wing OHL Left 6'1 187lbs

I was also a fan of Colby on Survivor. He came 2nd overall in season 2, so he’s not really a winner, but pretty damn close. So the bar is low for Colby, which may mean less pressure. Maybe he may actually surprise us. In fact I’m counting on it. Just don’t tell him I’ve set the bar high for him!

#5 Brayden Yager Centre WHL Right 6'0 166lbs

It maybe the Jager Bombs I’ve been taking, or that Maroon 5 song that keeps playing on repeat, but god damnit if I don’t love the sound of this kid’s name!

#6 Hugo Hell Left Defence Sweden

I just want to see Hell on the back of our team’s jersey. And the sentences that announcers would would would have to be entertaining. And if he becomes a generational talent, I could see movie and video game deals. Maybe a musical? Hell on Ice? Hell Yeah! Oh and Hugo from Lost...

#7 Andrew Cristall Left Wing WHL Left 5'10 165lbs

It’s pretty clear.

#8 Quentin Musty Left Wing OHL Left 6'2 197lbs

I wish his first name wasn’t Quentin. The name doesn’t scream threatening. But the name Musty does. Please a theme song here is just easy to come up with:

Well, his skills are never rusty so he’s scoring amazing

And skates are never dusty, he’s soaring and blazing

Chicks all follow that are busty, whoring and crazing

Cause the dudes not crusty, deserves more sings of praising

Who you wanna draft!? MUST BE, MUST-Y

Now Trust me, my boy Musty, he’s got the talent to make the CHEL

There’s no question, that the selection, would be one of the top in the RHL

Does it make you nervous, cause he’ll heat that surface, of ice hotter than Hell

Leave opponents sweatin, and regrettin’, getting on the ice with that SMELL!

Who you wanna draft!? MUST BE, MUST-Y

Pucks in the net, oh you can bet

That’s what you’ll get MUST BE, MUST-Y

Pucks in the net, oh you can bet

That’s what you’ll get MUST BE, MUST-Y

Pucks in the net, oh you can bet

That’s what you’ll get MUST BE, MUST-Y

Pucks in the net, oh you can bet

That’s what you’ll get MUST BE, MUST-Y

#9 Gracyn Sawchyn Centre WHL Right 5'11 165lbs

Sawchyn or Saw Chin. Sounds intimidating. I’d draft him just for the fight card.

#10 Calum Ritchie Centre OHL Right 6'2 187lbs

Well, Pac-Man and I have a good friend named Ritchie, so, it feels like if I have to draft as low as 10th overall, then that’s a good enough reason.